And depression hits

I spent a very uncomfortable night, trying to relax through gale force gusts of wind shaking the caravan, listening to the contented snores of my husband who decided that sleeping on my side of the bed was preferable to sleeping on his, trying to stretch sore legs with a small dog sleeping on them, struggling to get a full breath as my asthma rebelled against the run and wrestling with impure thoughts about my race yesterday.

I was fairly content at bedtime, tired but quite happy. I’d made all the excuses that I could to explain my poor time, relative to the time I’d put in at my last half, and was OK with myself. Then I made the mistake of comparing my time to that of others. My self esteem plummeted. A fickle thing, my self esteem.

I was annoyed with myself. I worked very hard in an effort to improve on a 2:22 half, really very hard. I was running two lots of 45 minutes a week on top of my long run, the longest of which was a massive 17 miles. The first 45 minute run was comprised of intervals and, not only that, some of my long runs were intervals too. Up to 12 lots of 800m. Gruelling.

And for what? For nothing, it seemed.

I’d gone backwards. Instead of doing a fast last Magic Mile in training, I’d done the worst one I’d done in a long while. Regardless of the weather yesterday, I should have been faster. By just a minute at least! I would have been happy with a minute faster.

I made more improvement doing the straight half programme last year than I did following the improver plan this year.

Where am I going wrong? Am I concentrating too much on running? Has the fact that I live in the countryside meant that my winter training has softened me up with too many treadmill runs? Should I be hitting the gym? Am I carrying too much weight? Or am I just not a fast runner?

I’ve got all these self-depreciating thoughts racing around my head, but I’m trying hard to not let them get to me. I have to pick myself up and move on. I need to sit down and decide where I want to improve and how best to get there.

And start enjoying running instead of beating myself up with finishing times, unfairly comparing myself to other people and relax a bit.

6 thoughts on “And depression hits

    1. Awww, John – yes, I know 🙂 Injury is SO frustrating and I bet it’s annoying to read me moaning on after having run 13 odd miles. Sorry! I am perking up and I am determined to improve. I’ve just got to work out how.

      You get well soon 🙂

  1. Stop Robbing Yourself over the victory of winning the race that you could win that day! You are doing NOTHING wrong- you are doing it all right! Why are you dismissing the weather? It dictates everything! It’s such a huge factor! I think you did great for the circumstances and it’s NOT about the pace, it’s about the strength to endure physically, mentally for the conditions you were given!

    1. I was disappointed, Connie. I did everything I could to knock a good 5-8 minutes off my time and gained them instead! The weather floored me and others, but I was still disappointed. I do think that I need to rethink my training. I do think that I could do with losing a bit more weight. Running hasn’t really helped me to lose weight, just tone up and drop a couple of dress sizes. I’ve maybe lost a stone over all, maybe a little more. I’m still lugging just under 11 stone around (about 145-150 lbs) and I’m not tall (5’4″). I know what you are saying, but I think this weekend was also a bit of a wake up call. What I probably need is to do 13.1 miles and see what I can do without the weather interfering!

      Thank you, I appreciate the support x x

  2. You should be cursing the appalling weather and endless hills rather than getting depressed about your race. I reckon you ran jolly well given the conditions. The course wasn’t conducive to fast times at all. The overall winners’ times, both men and women, were nothing to write home about – and most likely well outside their PB’s.
    So come on Julie, give yourself credit for what you did, you ran a darn good race, far better than the hundreds who finished behind you. Have a glass of wine, or two, and celebrate your achievement.

    1. Thank you for those very kind words! You’ll be pleased to hear that I’ve gone so far as to print out my finisher’s certificate and blu-tacked it proudly to my wall, next to all my medals!

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