The Wall of Used To

My running blog has rarely been just about running. If you can be bothered to look back, like many other running blogs, it’s often been about coping with injury and how that has affected the running that I’ve done. In many ways it became a ‘victory over adversity’ type blog, living up to its title ‘A Running Battle’. Of course adversity is presently having the upper hand and a year long battle with pain has meant that this blog is now chiefly about the ups and downs of pain management! It isn’t the blog I want or ever intended to have and I’m not sure what I can do to change that.

Many of my former followers have drifted away, probably bored by the lack of running stories. If I’m honest, I’ve stopped reading many running blogs because I’m not in the right frame of mind to read them without huge pangs of envy. How I haven’t run a jogger over yet is just a feat of mind over matter and hearing how my new-to-running friends are doing is pure perjury. Of course I admire them and encourage them, but deep down I am as jealous as hell. Walking past a wall full of medals collected over the last five years doesn’t help; it’s the Wall of Used To.

Yesterday I travelled to Carlisle to talk about my disability. It’s the first time I’ve been to Carlisle in ages, certainly the first time with the mobility scooter. Planning a journey to anywhere presents a whole lot of new issues which before I wouldn’t have considered. My husband summed it up perfectly at the meeting when he said “I look at disabled people in a whole different way now.” I was asked, as part of the interview, if I would be able to go to Manchester. Yes, of course, but I would have to Google it to death, I replied. We’ve recently changed the car to an automatic which would help with driving through town. Once there, I would have to think about where could I park so that I could access areas without the need to climb stairs. Once parked, I would need to have room to get in and out of the car (opened the door to its full extent and turning round in the seat to stand up using the roof to pull myself up), and then get the mobility scooter out and together. Then I’d have to navigate a route using decent drop kerbs (because some are like steps, rather than slopes!) and pedestrian crossings (because you can’t just step off the kerb and cross) and doors that open automatically. It takes planning. Nothing in my life is spontaneous any more. Every journey, every weekend away, every night out has to be pre-planned to the nth degree. It’s tiring. And sometimes degrading.

Today I climbed on the scales and got the shock of my life. I’ve put on a grand total of two stones in weight since this time last year. Running was always my way of keeping my weight down and staying sane. I might not have always felt like going out, but I usually felt better coming in! I need to lose weight. So I’ve linked up with MyFitnessPal again. It used to be a way of logging activity rather than weight. I’m hoping that it will be again. For the moment though I need a way of controlling my calorie intake and a way of monitoring my progress. I’ve opened up on their forum and asked for support. If you read this and are a member, look for paintergirl21 and ask for friendship. I need every friend I can get.


6 thoughts on “The Wall of Used To

  1. Ah. Julie, I feel for you and this crappy turn of events life has thrown at you. While it must be comforting to have your recent diagnosis that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still crappy right now until you get your op. You have made me think about how much I take for granted (yes, even with my recent news and urge to appreciate everything and live every day to the full). Stairs, doors, parking, things we just don’t have to factor in when we are able bodied. Your positivity and urge to help others is an inspiration. Hang in there lovely lady xx

    1. Hi Beth 🙂 I don’t think any of us appreciate the difficulties others have until life gives us a wake up call! My sense of humour and the fact that I have brilliant friends and family around me keeps me looking on the bright side. I have to. If I didn’t keep making light of it, I think I would go into a dark place and I really don’t want that – I know what it’s like there.

      Thank you x x

  2. Hi Julia, I was thinking about you, wondering how you were going on in the floods you’ve been having around Dumfries, hoping it wasn’t adding to your problems. I must say, you’ve kept a very positive state of mind throughout a situation that would break many people – including me. You’re an amazing woman.
    I’m having eye problems at the moment, due to a cataract operation that went wrong, so feeling wobbly and nervous running trails with blurred vision. Life is currently confined to 4 hour spurts between drops!
    I’m considering making my blog Private until I’m running properly again, so as not to bore people with my problems.
    On the other hand, to see things better, I bought a 43″ TV today. Just hope I don’t get too addicted to its wonderful pictures or it could be the beginning of the end!
    Stay positive, keep a sense of humour and have a wonderful New Year.

    1. Bless you Gordon 🙂 The floods didn’t affect us, thankfully. My little shop is near the river, but up a hill. The flood water went half way up the hill, but no further. That’s a lucky star I thank daily!
      Sorry to hear about your eye issues – I’ve always said that I would rather lose my hearing than my sight, but then, as an artist, my sight is very important to me! Don’t make your blog private – people need to understand that we aren’t indestructible and I’m sure that people don’t just follow your blog to keep check on your running! I certainly don’t. I love to see the places you visit and the photos you share 🙂 I’ve found that sharing my problems through my blog helps me to sort things out in my head. I make more sense of it through writing, I don’t know why! Maybe, again, it’s because I am a visual person and can’t just talk my problems through?
      Please stay with us, if you can bear to tear yourself away from your massive TV screen 😉 Your support has meant the world to me.

  3. Dealing with illness and injury has changed my life. I feel like I could have written many parts of this. Simply sucks 😔 Yet, I see the silver lining. It will be part of your story. A beautifully painful picture that’s not finished yet! Blessings and prayers.

    1. Thanks Connie 🙂 It does suck and I know how it has affected you too. I can’t quite believe that I’m looking forward to surgery as part of my journey to wellness! Thank you for including me in your prayers – that means a lot x

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